The toughest truths you learn in love
Everything is a learning experience.
Relationships are especially full of things to learn. You either learn things about yourself, about your partner, or just about life in general. We asked people who have been in varying lengths of relationships: What’s the toughest thing you’ve had to learn?
(Note: Aliases have been used in place of the interviewee’s real names.)
People in varying lengths of relationships offer advice on relationships, self-worth and communication
Less than a year: Margot
Even if Margot has been in her current relationship for less than a year, she carries over the lessons she’s learned from her previous ones. “Love doesn’t have qualifications. This goes two ways: there’s no guarantee that you’ll be loved just because you’ve done your best as a partner, and you don’t have to be perfect to be loved.”
Margot says that even when she put effort into her earlier relationships and believed she was a good girlfriend, they still ended up cheating on her or leaving her. “No matter how ‘great’ I can be as a partner and person, it’s never going to guarantee that someone will love me because, ultimately, it’s their choice and their feelings.”
She feels her current boyfriend helped her at her lowest. “He tells me it’s so easy to love me, and even if it becomes hard, he’ll try harder. It shocked me to hear that because I was so convinced that I was not worth anything.” She talks about how, despite her negative feelings towards herself, her partner still wants to be with her—a stark contrast to her previous relationship.
1 year: Wanda and Ela
Wanda finally understands what people mean when they say simply being with the right person energizes them. “There are times when I would hate everyone and everything happening in my life or work, except my partner,” she says. “I get overstimulated, I overthink, or I stress about everything, which would demotivate or irritate me.” Once she sees her partner, Wanda says that she starts to compartmentalize everything, letting the rest of the world slip away in the meantime.
Ela has also been seeing her boyfriend for a little more than a year, and she stresses the importance of open communication. “It’s very obvious, but (it’s) probably the thing I had the hardest time with, especially in the early stages of the relationship.” Without open communication, she found herself setting unrealistic expectations for her boyfriend, unknowingly hoping for him to understand her side even if she didn’t express it.
3 years: Bambi
“We've been together for about three years now, and probably the toughest lesson is that people have different ways of expressing their love,” Bambi states. “At first, if you have expectations on how you want to feel loved, you may get disappointed if those expectations aren't met.”
Bambi, similar to Ela, emphasizes the need for communication in a relationship. “In those instances, you just have to communicate how you feel. Eventually, you learn to understand how their brain works and they'll understand how yours works.” Bambi adds that through communicating, you end up becoming more patient, and you'll learn how to take care of each other better.
5 years: Lindo and Sean
For Lindo, who has been in a relationship for five years, effort and compromise are among the hardest things he’s had to learn. “I always thought I was too selfish to be in a relationship,” he says. “The toughest thing I had to learn was that it’s not a solo thing; it’s a two-person dance and you have to guide each other along.” He adds, “I learned how to compromise and think of my boyfriend’s needs din, not just mine.”
Sean echoes this sentiment. “Before I got into my relationship, I was very fiercely independent. I valued my solitude. As a consequence of that, I think I was entirely too focused on myself: my needs, wants, feelings, hobbies, likes, and dislikes.” He says that getting into a relationship really challenged him to look outside of himself. “It would be so selfish of me to share myself and speak my truth to him, expecting full focus if I was not prepared to allow him to do the same.”
Sean mentions another tough lesson for him: taking full accountability for his mistakes. He recalls a time when he seriously hurt his boyfriend. “Though at the moment I apologized and comforted him, the bigger challenge came after and lingered until much later. It's so easy to feel lost about what to do when you see the person you love so down, insecure, and worried, and knowing you're the one who caused that hurt.” What he felt—guilt, sadness, shame, and worry—took the back burner. “My priority and responsibility are ensuring I am able to build up my partner's trust, confidenc,e and security in our relationship again.”
6 years: Therese
Therese has a hard time expressing herself whenever something upsets or angers her. “In the context of my relationship, I was scared that if I showed my anger, they would leave or get upset with me,” she says. “So to me, it was tough to learn to be open. It always came with anxiety, and I was always so scared.” Her partner, however, eased her worries. “One day, he told me, ‘No matter what you tell me, as long as it’s honest and you haven’t hurt yourself, I won’t be mad.’”
Even if all these couples differ in terms of how long they’ve been together, most of the lessons they’ve learned center on communication and trust. I was of the naive belief that love should be easy, but it’s far from it. Loving may seem as easy as breathing, but relationships are more than just your emotions; they’re your actions, too. That includes working through your problems together, growing into yourself, and choosing to love even when it gets difficult.