‘Fantastic Four’ falls a bit flat

We skip the back story (it’s flashed by in a retro TV newsclip about the Four getting blasted with some kind of radiation mid-space mission, coming back all stretchy and transparent and rocky and fiery).

Because the real story here is that Sue Storm/Invisible Woman (M:I’s Vanessa Kirby) is expecting, and the family is wondering if their little ‘un will also have mutated superpowers. Reasonable to ask your family physician such questions.

With all-systems-go for arrival of a baby, the Fantastics naturally all decide to go on a space mission, just as Sue’s ready to give birth, to track down the Silver Surfer (this time female, played by Julia Garner) after she arrives in Earth-828 Manhattan to announce that Galactus wants to eat up your world, num-num-num, then flies off on her silver surfboard. Johnny/Human Torch (Joseph Quinn) gives chase, but comes away partially smitten with this slicked-down goddess.

They decide to track where Galactus/Silver Surfer are holing up, and head out into space, Sue in tow. I don’t know about you, but both Therese and I found this a stretch, considering my wife didn’t even want to leave the bedroom much during her ninth month, let alone strap into a spaceship. It seems like Mister Fantastic could’ve maybe given her a pass on this particular mission, but no.

Our final Fantastic Four member is Ben Grimm/The Thing (The Bear’s Ebon Moss-Bachrach), who was my wife’s favorite character growing up, but here is given little to do besides cooking dinner, having awkward flirty moments with Natasha Lyonne, and, later, deciding whether or not to grow a pebbly beard.

Put the four together in one retro penthouse pad and you have what feels like a family, and that may be why fans who had been missing the Avengers “barkada” dynamic are calling First Steps a return to Marvel form. Maybe so. But the apartment begins to feel like a sitcom set (there are humorous bits) and, in fact, the Fantastic Four spend so much time in their retro pad that you start hankering for them to get out and explore things once in a while. Go to the park. Go bowling. Show us more of Earth-828.

Part of the appeal of building out this new franchise is the new aesthetic, and Midcentury Modern Earth-828 is a pretty good one to explore. Even if it side-butts against The Incredibles and The Jetsons at times.

Yet aesthetic isn’t enough to carry a story, and the script (written by—who would’ve guessed?—four guys) offers not much meat on the bones.

Pascal and Kirby are good as the soon-to-be-parents, but the more intriguing relationship is between Human Torch and Silver Surfer. He seems to dig her plight, and this is key to the third act.

But, act-schmact, under the hood this is a fairly boilerplate opening chapter in a Marvel franchise that wants to establish character quirks without really offering much of a compelling story to sink our teeth into. While Superman had the world coming apart at the seams, First Steps plods along, offering an off-world villain who makes a lumbering appearance at the end that recalls the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in Ghostbusters, and a bassinet switcheroo that makes us wonder how bright are these superheroes, anyway?

There is a small plot bump involving the Fantastic Four facing the wrath of public opinion (long story involving spoilers), the public being depicted as a bunch of scowling, retro faces staring at them in some Times Square-like plaza.

The idea of cancelled superheroes is not particularly new, we also saw it in the recent Superman, as well as Spider-Man a few movies back, but so far I’ve not seen a convincing debate about why we actually still need superheroes in the age of cancel culture. We certainly need something. For now, a new MCU Phase 1 franchise will have to do.